Saturday, April 23, 2016

Incredible Aid

Faith: Hello. You've reached the phone line for questions about Incredible Aid. My name is Faith. What's yours?
Pru: Pru.
Faith: And what would you like to know about our service today?
Pru: The description I read was sort of vague. What kind of aid do you do?
Faith: We do a wide range. We aren't restricted to any one kind.
Pru: Which kinds, then? Do you have examples?
Faith: That depends on you. Whatever you need. We don't want to discourage you from making requests to us, even if a request doesn't fit the mold.
Pru: But there are limits, right? You can't carry out every demanding request.
Faith: That's correct. You may pass along any request that makes sense to you, but it's up to our discretion alone whether to take action.
Pru: ...isn't that your role? Providing aid on request?
Faith: We have great expertise handling these decisions. Requestors must defer to our superior judgment.
Pru: Will you inform me if you decline?
Faith: Probably not.
Pru: I see... Why is it called "incredible" aid? Are you capable of unusual levels of aid?
Faith: Oh yes, beyond question. Our reach extends farther than anyone else. We have immeasurable resources that we could put to use if we chose.
Pru: I know I called this phone number only to ask for more information before signing up. How does someone contact you with actual, urgent requests?
Faith: Just say it. Whisper, shout, mutter. Or think it without moving your lips. Either way, we'll detect it remotely.
Pru: Um...so are you always listening and watching, even when I'm not trying to express a request?
Faith: Less privacy is an unavoidable side-effect of our constant 24-7 attention to you.
Pru: Well, when I do have a request, how will you tell if I'm being serious, or if I'm muttering something without thinking it through? What if you have sensible follow-up questions for me?
Faith: We'll know. We won't ever bombard you with questions in return.
Pru: Then how can I be sure that you've heard, and you've completely understood me?
Faith: Trust us.
Pru: Would you respond to a request in a way I don't expect?
Faith: At least some of the time.
Pru: When that happens, will you explain why?
Faith: No. Blunt information isn't the kind of aid we give.
Pru: Well, do you leave a note after providing aid? I don't mean to be rude, but how many requests have you accepted, on average?
Faith: We have pages and pages of incredible testimonials. For instance, many of those are interesting anecdotes about strangely helpful coincidences. Or about assistance from compassionate strangers.
Pru: If I don't need the extra aid for myself most of the time, can I ask for aid for close family members?
Faith: By all means. Our policy is virtually unlimited. You may petition for aid for everyone you know. Some do it for people they don't know. Fairly often we hear from a large group all at once. I think they do it in case we missed what only one of them said.
Pru: But that's impossible. What if they contradict each other?
Faith: We know which ones to ignore. We distribute incredible aid according to the best outcome we can manage.
Pru; What's your price? Is it a yearly subscription?
Faith: No price to get started.
Pru: And later?
Faith: Long-term we do expect evidence of deep commitment. That includes regular contributions in proportion to household income. We also expect each client to do whatever they can to bring us more clients.
Pru: Is there a lower tier?
Faith: I don't recommend it. Those who are less committed are generally unsure about the priority assigned to them.
Pru: Can I quit at any time?
Faith: Yes. As we see it, those who end up canceling couldn't have been full-fledged clients anyway.
Pru: Is there a penalty?
Faith: There will be some feelings of betrayal. We strongly encourage close bonds between clients. Actually, we prefer that our clients go to each other for aid first, before involving us.
Pru: Hold on. You've said that your aid is amazing and powerful. But my requests for aid aren't openly acknowledged...and I can't identify what form the aid is in...and my total commitment is required. Now you're saying that I should just be working with the other clients you connect me to? Are—are you a cult?
Faith: Thank you for calling. We hope that you will be joining us at Incredible Aid: Aid You Won't Believe.

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